My gloomy self

Really, I think I am not really knowing my self. Maybe I am a loner person. I really hate to be alone but I also don't really want that anyone is always besides me. I hat to be alone but sometimes I really enjoy my self the most when I'm alone. I don't know really. Such a bothersome person do I?

Basically I am a sanguine person, yet I understand that I am melancholic too. I always taught my self is really plin-plan. But then I realize my personality type that Sanguine & Melancholy's are opposites each other. I am an extroverted introvert who is pessimistic and optimistic. Sometimes I think too much or not enough. It is akin to being bipolar, but it is different, and I imagine/hope you understand. Or maybe I am really had bipolar disorder indeed I don't know. I have reads some about my personality, but I always find that Sanguine and Melancholy don't really combine. It can be said probably I can get my self along with a wide swath of people, but in conditionally I am being variously introverted or extroverted depending on the situation. Maybe I get some strengths of a melancholy, then the strengths of a sanguine, then the weaknesses of a melancholy, and then the weaknesses of a sanguine. I even hate my self for whole my life. I am so moody and it is really bothering me.

I wonder if my parents are know that their daughter always worrying things alone. I rarely talk to them. I don't know why I always think to not to make them get them into trouble. I've life for 7 years alone here, I never ask more that what they give to me. I never tell them what I needs. I never really try to make them know my true.
It really painful that I cannot telling them what I really want. I even don't understand my self, I even didn't open my self to my family.What a family really are? I love them so much but I always bring a bigger problem because of my silence and have them disappointed of me. I also don't know why I rarely felt their love...

I always think that my self is alone. Maybe it was me at the first who feel disappointed with someting called family. Most oldest memory I can recognize, I hate my mom. She is always my little sister ally. I hate my self which always playing role as a naughty kid to get her attention and to get my place in home. My father, I respect him as a father really I want. Father and I never talk, I never rely to him since I was kid. He never remember what he said, never do what I please, never really think about me and caring me. I am give up to him since very long time ago. Please love mme, please love me. Do I have to beg...?

I hate to be alone..