Working in this company really changed my life. It was became more relaxed in time but I had more stress due to accumulative time of doing nothing at office. I am sales, and a bad one I know. I have tried to achieve the target but without my superior cooperation and support from the brand, it was very difficult. But I feel like I am wronged when they offer me this job, they do say this company is still deficit however they didn't say that it was this bad without no team work. I am regretting much when my purpose of taking this job is to change to better environment and I don't got what I want. My parents didn't allowed me to work in Tokyo, Japan in last 2019, it make me decided that I will have to change job for change environment as it helping myself to find peace with staying in Jakarta. However it never went smooth as my life expectation is fading one by one into nothingness.
The difference between 2020 and 2021, is that I was adjusting myself with the covid situation more although it is suck with the company situation.. I have tried many things, trust me. I try not to feel lonely and handle my self better. I didn't like my company. Aside that the business is bad, there is no thrill or enjoyable moments with work as previously I had when I was with Company A. I had a lot of free time in working hours. Free time make me more worry about more. To not worsen it, I tried to go to gym and do exercise as well, it was fun at start but I got lazy after time to time I have no one to go together. I am telling myself to improve life, but who I am competing to? I didn't even able to stop the membership even I never came up and only resulted as wasting money. I always told myself, maybe I will go in this weekend or so. It just make me more disappointed about myself.
It just like that, anything I do just half assed, did it bring me joy? I spend one and half year aimless.
I want to cry so hard that why I keep doing silly things? I cannot even clean my place. I already buy this and that, I tell myself I will do better next time and it didn't really change anything.
Maybe I was not okay with myself? I need to heal myself... not using money to just do another silly things I was even not plan to spend on. I am afraid I didn't have anything when I am old and no one besides me. Feeling so insecure because the more I realize I was all alone by myself, the more I just wish that I want disappear into nothingness.
So stressful because I have loose all my confidence. Coping also hard since I hard to feel like to doing anything and enjoy things as I used to be. I am hurt and maybe until it heal, situation cannot be changed. I am wondering if I can do anything to help myself.
But I have to keep to work on myself. My friends keep tell me to be patient with myself. At least I can do that for now...
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